Jacuzzi Stand Up


I’m going to Colorado

I’m going to Colorado with a bunch of my fellow Jews
because I guess that’s what you do
when an invitation is extended to you
by Chabad
the Orthodox Jewish group which plunks a rabbi
and a synagogue down on your campus
and says

“Hey you, Jew” we’d like you
to be more Jewish

We’d like to pay for you to come with us
to some hotel
some resort
some vacation destination
in Colorado over the summer for 5 days

so we can teach you more about Judaism
and hopefully get some of you to convert
to be Orthodox Jews
or at least donate money to us when you later become adults

5 days in Colorado for free?
Sounds good to me.
Where do I sign up?

Ch. 1

and so there we were
there was I and my friend Zachary
ready to explore whatever Colorado had to offer ourselves

ready to immerse ourselves in discussions and discourse
ready to learn about Torah and eat food and stay up late
and go swimming in the pool
and hopefully hiking or otherwise
nature-based excursions

and we would

Ch. 2

and I sat in the classrooms and learned
most of the things I knew from before

about God and Torah and the Commandments
and mystical concepts watered-down for the sake
of mass pronouncement

and lavish meals which didn’t quite seem to go with the
whole ethical-moral-religio concept

but who was I a mere 21
year old kid

to argue debate or even really think of such things

Ch. 3

and we went on our hikes and our
bikes and buses and I think even white-water

for all the thrills were thrown in there
to make us feel so wonderful about being a part of this
Chosen people

Chosen to go to Colorado
Chosen to raft the white waters
Chosen to spend the money of some rich donor

Fractal choice
given voice
here in this retreat from reality

Ch. 4

and I look at Zac
and he looks at me
and he thinks I can see the short-term value
in such expeditions

I don’t know
but certainly a welcomed break from what I will otherwise
be doing this summer
back home

Ch. 5

and there are girls there
and that’s exciting too

and though of course Chabad’s official policy
is that men and women are not to be fraternizing

most naturally that is exactly
what we are supposed to be doing

our parents happy we are on the trip
knowing we will be screwing
or at least flirting with other fellow Jews

to continue the Jewish race
to marry and probably settle down in some suburb
to give them a sense of
we did good

Ch. 6

and alcohol
that too plays an integral role in creating the sense
of comraderie between Rabbi and college-age kids

so they gulp it down
and provide it in excess

wine and vodka and beer unending

and scotch

it’s religion so it doesn’t matter
whose watching
it’s all for the sake of divine being of Redemption
Revelation Pro-Creation? or Recreation

I’m not sure, either way, it certainly is


Ch. 7

but back to the girls
because when you’re in college that really is the most important thing

everything else a front a reason to get together
to drink

Ch. 8

and in that moment on that first or second day
before Shabbat with its holy halo
of nothing-doing

before the washing and showering and white wearing clothing
and kippa-caps

there was that time that meeting place
with the pool tables and dance floor in the lounge by the bar
of this great hotel resort

and there there was a blonde-haired girl
and I saw her and though lacking
infinitely in confidence or ability
in skill and charisma and natural charm

lacking in most everything needed or at least required
for the occasion

I went up to her and begin a discussion
and played a game of billiards
and danced I think too

as the cocktails were passed around
and small bites of food

Ch. 9

and things seemed to be going quite swimmingly well
me and her

in this moment of conversation
and at least 1-way desire

I myself looking to put my hormones to use
after the long withdrawal from the breakup
with my first college girl

Ch. 10

and she says to me

let’s meet by the Jacuzzi at 8
here in this fancy resort hotel

and I am excited
for that

and so I go
to my room to prepare
and wait

and later

come back

Ch. 11

and it’s 8-8:30

and I’m sitting by the Jacuzzi

and suddenly I start getting the impression
that she is not coming

and eventually I go retiring
back to my room

to meet up with Zac or whoever
would be around


Ch. 12

and the next day I see this fair-haired girl
and I ask her

“Hey, what happened yesterday?
I thought we had plans to meet at the Jacuzzi?
How silly of me, there I was, in my bathing suit
waiting for you, but alas, you did not show?”

and she replies
with a look of non-concern

“Well, guys
are always doing that sort of thing to me
so I figured what harm would there be
in me doing that to you?”

Ch. 13

I don’t know about Jew

but it seems
I was already learning



the classroom