Candide by Voltaire

There once lived a Great Baron
by the name of Baron Thunder-tronck
who lived in a great castle
in the great country of Westphalia

Baron Thunder-tronck
was so great
or so he thunk
that his house
err I mean castle
was filled with the greatest tapestries
and moats and alligators
windows
and
even a door!

His servants served him
and his servant’s servants too
indeed, when all was said and done
there was nothing for Him to do!

The Baron could barely
wipe his own

feet

indeed, he was milk-fed
straight from the

pail

 

Baron Thunder-tronck

Indeed, you might never have thunk it
but even his cows
sat on thrones
his chickens wearing tuxes
and
the penguins

well

let’s just say
to be a penguin in Baron Thunder-tronck’s
castle
was to have it made

really

it was nice

and along with the chickens and penguins
and cow-stables tables and chairs
you see
there too were other human beings
living in this great castle

No sir!

This Castle of the Baron was not barren
no indeed
no
quite the contrary

really

for here lived the Baroness
a woman whose size alone
was quite

largess

who was most certainly dressed
to impress

and who had the largest
most magnificent
voluptuous

chest of drawers
you have ever seen

and then
well

then there was Lady Cunegondee
who was really
really

something

She 17
but what bussoms
what a rosy complexion
what a

suggestion?

and not only ladies
did reside here in the great Castle of Baron-Thunder trunk
but so too was

Candide

our protagonist a lovable character
indeed
a youthful boy with innocence and naievity
a proclivity only for the kindest things
he enjoyed skateboarding
and youtube videos of kitties

and then there
was his teacher
the master the professor
the expressor and eloquenter of metaphysics
and religistics and cosmogonic consequences

Pangloss
Dr. Pangloss if you will

i mean
he didn’t go to 4 years of
metaphysico-cosmolo-religio-school for nothing

Dr. Pangloss used to say many things
and indeed
many things were said
about angels and candle-sticks
giving and receiving

hugs
and kisses

Dr. Pangloss knew all the meanings
it even being repeated in the Westphalia gossip
that his own teacher was none other
than the Great Phil the Philosophosaurus
who
of course
was
the student of the Great Thesaurus
who knew all the meanings
of the world
and Morest… but that’s another story

shall we continue?
Dr. Pangloss used to say
to explain
how everything
i mean
every-thing in the world has a beginning and an end
how the stone’s throw away
and the tomorrow comes today
and the hip-hip-hooray
are all
inter-connected
so
that
we
may
be
so lucky as to live in the greatest of all possible worlds!

indeed, Dr. Pangloss happily
espoused the ethical-metaphysical
trans-dimensional explanational re-creational
doctrine that what happens happens
not by coincidence but rather as a consequence
of the factuality that we do in fact
live
in this bestest of all possiblest of worldly

worlds

And that is why pigs were meant
to be eaten
and witches toes curled
our noses clearly made to be spectacular
reposes for our spectacles
and our trousers clearly
the greatest recepticle
for our

procreative purposes

YES!

The Affirmation sang to the sky!
for
this world is not just the place of right and good
with evil mixed in for the sake of free-will
being given options
but
in fact the greatest bestest possible
place
for a young boy like Candide
and a young girl like Lady Cunegondee
to find themselves

and so
clearly
here we have our metaphysique-peak-experiential
and mediocre-remonstrational principle
upon which to seek
the irony and jest of the rest of this
story
in the greatest of all Castles
in the greatest of all Countries
where
nothing is West-phaling or West-phallic even

just
perfection

and so we begin: