Zarathustra Thus Spoke

“Nietzsche”

“Hitler”

“My man. What’s going on?”

“Oh, not much. Y’know, just been writing.”

“Writing, o very nice. very nice.”

“And what have you been up to?”

“Oh me, y’know the usual
genocide
totalitarian regime
dictator-ship
the Nazis the SS”

“The SS?”

“Yea, the Schutzstaffel.
They’re like my bodyguards really.”

“Oh, you have bodyguards.”

“Yea.”

“Woooooowwww, big man.
People want to kill you.
Very nice, you must be doing a lot of things
out there.”

“Oh, Nietzsche, let me tell you its crazy.
I’ve invaded Poland, Czechoslovakia,
Bohemia….

it’s a whole thing.”

“What? What is this?”

“Yea, it’s a big thing. Y’know, don’t you read the news?”

“The news? What, no.
I don’t read the news, who has time for that?
Besides history repeats itself,
the eternal return.”

“Ahh, yes, Nietzsche I’ve been reading your works!”

“Really, you, Hitler, are reading my writings?”

“Oh, yes I’m a big fan. A big big fan.
In fact, my whole conquest of Europe and ideology
is based on your philosophical writings.”

“Really?”

“Oh, yes, I love what you say about the what is it,
uhh, the Ubermensch. Yes, the Superman.
Haha! I am the superman, no?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Nietzsche, I’ve been killing Jews left and right.
They’re going like hot-cakes.
And the gypsies, and the blacks, and the gays too.”

“What? Hitler, what are you talking about?”

“Yes, yes. I’ve been killing all of them.
I am the superman. This is what you said, in your book.
I read it. It’s wonderful, wonderful German philosophy
the Aryan race we are the best
#1!”

“What? Are you kidding me?
What are you talking about?”

“Nietzsche, y’know what I’m saying.
The book you wrote, about the Persian guy.”

“Thus spoke Zarathustra?”

“Yes, of course, of course.
O how he spoke, such wonderful things.
The Germanic White Blond Haired Blue Eyed
Super-race
I have embraced your philosophy
and social darwinism and put it together
to serve my own ends.”

“Hitler, I have no idea what your talking about.”

“I’m talking about you silly, what you wrote
its my inspiration.
You are the man, and I am the Superman
the Ubermensch.”

“What? Hitler, did you even read my writings?”

“Yes, yes. I read them, I mean, well…
I skimmed them, y’know I’m a busy man
what with all the killing and the murdering
and the raping and the stealing
and then there’s the paperwork,
it’s all very time consuming and tedious…
I do have some Jewish accountants, I didn’t kill them
I have them do my taxes, they do quite a good job
they get their big nose stuck in everything
all the loopholes
yes
but yea I’ve been busy
I skimmed.”

“Skimmed? You skimmed?”

“Well, yes, I skimmed
and uhhh I went online and I read the sparknotes.”

“The Sparknotes? What the fuck are sparknotes?”

“The Sparknotes, Nietzsche, come-on you know what I’m talking about
when you have the book report in 5th grade about Mark Twain
you don’t actually read it do you?
Of course not, you use the sparknotes.
It’s an outline. A summary, its on the web.”

“The web? What is this web you talk about?”

“The web. It’s the world. The internet.
I’m like a spider, I crawl around it looking for things I need.
I’ve taken all the Jews and I’ve put them together in a list,
I’m calling it “The Facebook.”"

“What? Hitler, I have no idea what you’re talking about
with this web and this killing of the Jews.
Clearly, you know nothing of my philosophy.”

“Nietzsche, what do you mean?”

“My philosophy. I’m not against the Jews!”

“What, you’re not against the Jews?”

“No… not at all. I mean some of them, y’know, they’re not so great
but who is really? I mean, we’re all a bunch of schmucks and putzes.
But uhh, I have nothing against them. I mean, if anything its the Christians
- I wrote a whole work on it, the anti-Christ, remember?”

“Oh, Nietzsche, so you’re saying I got it wrong?”

“Yes, of course! Of course you did. The Superman its a metaphor
for our higher selves, to develop our faculties, to appreciate music,
to learn to be artists, to be compassionate, to embody the ideals of Jesus
not the hypocrisies of the Christian church.
It’s about the individual finding modes of creative expression
and not being held back by the masses, its about breaking away from
dogma and false ideologies and conventions of mediocrity.”

“Oh, Nietzsche. Oh, how wrong I’ve been.
I could kill you! I could kill you!
Oh, its crazy.”

“Hitler, you son of a bitch!”

“Oh, Nietzsche. I must apology. What a mess I’ve made!
You wouldn’t believe!”

“OK, OK, don’t be so hard on yourself. How many Jews have you killed?”

“Well, it’s hard to say for sure, maybe a few million?”

“A few million! O my God, well I’m not saying God exists
- he’s Dead
but you know what I mean.
It’s a very common expression. My God My God,
you… you need to learn some self-control.”

“That I do, Nietzsche, you’re right, I can get ahead of myself some-times.”

“OK, OK, it’s in the past now. Forget about it.”

“No, Nietzsche, I’m killing Jews as we speak! Millions of them!”

“OK, OK, that’s fine. Look, we make mistakes, you say your sorry
you make an appeasement. you apologize,
all is forgiven, yo-fi-to-fi.”

“You think? You think they will forgive me?”

“Of course, they’re Jews, they have to.
Look they have this holiday, Yom Kippur. You tell them your sins,
three times you apologize, and they have to except
or else its on them. It’s a beautiful thing.”

“OK, Nietzsche, I hear what you’re saying.
If you think it will work I will give it a try.”

“Wonderful, Hitler. See I knew it, you’re really a Mensch.
The whole Holocaust thing, it threw you off your game,
you went a little crazy.”

“I went a little crazy.”

“You went a little crazy, a little bit, over the top.
And the mustache, if you don’t mind me saying its a bit gay.”

“Really you think so?”

“Yea, its a bit queer. I mean look at mine, its so bushy
the women it tickles them in all the right places, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh, ho, Nietzsche, you animal! Yea, asserting your will to power
are you? Very nice. Very nice.”

“Ehh, well y’know. I am an artist.

Say, by the way, I had heard you had wanted to go to art school
to paint or something y’know before this whole Holocaust
Genocide killing fershplachah?”

“Oh yes, I had, Nietzsche, you are right.
But they, uhh, they turned me down?”

“What, you are kidding me.”

“I don’t kid. They didn’t want me. They…
they… they rejected me!”

“Oh Hitler, Hitler. I’m so sorry, I know how it feels.
My first book, it was a tragedy, the University they didn’t like my poetic
style of writing. I know the feeling of the repression
the suppression of the artist within, I know it hurts. It hurts.”

“Yes, my feelings were very hurt.
And, well, since, I may be taking it out on others.”

“You have! Yes, you have Hitler, you’ve been taking it out on the Jews
the gypsies the blacks you scapegoating son of a bitch!”

“Oh, what have I done!”

“Oh, Hitler you Dionysic asshole.
Listen, OK, OK. This is what we do.
We’ll take a little Apolonian tendency, we straighten this whole thing out.
We’ll add a little order, some measure, some discipline,
right the wrongs, make reparations, give back the gold the jewels
the diamonds, free the Jews from the ghettos and concentration camps,
let them move on with their lives
and y’know what here’s what you do:”

“Yes, Nietzsche, tell me. Tell me what I can do.”

“OK, you start with the painting again.
I saw, I saw the fingerpainting on your Momalech’s fridge
they were beautiful, with the macaroni, you, you are an artist
a natural. Believe me, I know these things.”

“You think so?”

“Yes, of course.
We get you painting, maybe a little poetry, a haiku.
Who knows? By the end, maybe you’ll be writing a screenplay
we take this whole thing we make a parody of it
you and me, I’ll help you.”

“Nietzsche, you are so wise.
You speak like an angel!”

“Oh, Hitler, stop it, you make me blush.”

“I’m not kidding, you are a genius.
You are the Ubermensch. The Superman.”

“No, no you are the Superman.”

“No, you are the Superman, Nietzsche, come-on
man, don’t be so bashful.
I could kill you your so shy!
Come on man, you are the best.”

“OK, OK, thank you HItler, you are too kind.
You are really a nice guy, the Americans
Europe, the whole World, they don’t know,
they don’t get to see you when you’re like this
you’re really a sweetheart.
The mustache its a bit gay, but you’re really a mensch.”

“You’re right, I’m mis-understood.”

“Well, Hitler, I get you.
Believe me, from that morning at summer camp
back in ’31 when you showed me your tally-wacker
and you had that concern of the genital warts
I knew from the look in your eye
you were really more concerned
that you might have passed off the STD
to your recent gay lover.

I know you’re true self, you really are a mensch-kite.”

“Thank you, Nietzsche. You are too kind.
Your writings, they’re a bit hard to understand.
To be honest, you may want to try being more straightforward,
y’know, maybe not so much poetic turning of phrase,
y’know, especially when people like me are reading it
and not getting it and coming to our own conclusions
and killing people. You may want to think about that,
for the future, just being a little clearer, it couldn’t hurt.

Maybe save the poetry for Goethe. That’s all I’m saying.”

“I know, Hitler, you see right through me.
I am over-compensating. It is difficult wanting to make a name for yourself,
and all that, it drives me Crazy. It really does.
It drives me absolutely Meshugenah if you want to know the truth.”

“OK, well listen, I have some loose ends to tie up
some communists to hang their necks,
O wait, no no no, you’re right, I said I wasn’t going to do that,
but either way, I really need to get going. Yes, I have to go.”

“Well, it’s been a pleasure as always Hitler.”

“Nietzsche, the pleasure has been all mine.”

“Baruch Hashem, may you fly straight
like a seagull leaving the land of cactus plants.”

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing. Just go.”

“OK, goodbye.”

“Yes, goodbye.”