The Tell-Tale Heart and the Room-Mate

“Hey uhh… Edgar could I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure Steve… umm… what’s going on?”

“Yeaaaa….
I found this story sitting on your desk
the uhh… Tell-Tale Heart, is it?”

“Oh yea… I just wrote that.”

“Mmmm…. did you?”

“Umm… yea, last night actually.”

“Mmmm…. mmm….
so… this is another one of your
fictional short-stories is it?”

“Umm… yea Steve it is.
I’m pretty proud of this one actually,
I think I could make some real coin with it,
not only that but perhaps I could even secure
my name in the laurels of Literary history!
I mean just think about it,
the name Edgar Allan Poe… synonymous
with Twain and Shakespeare
and other guys!”

“Mmmm… mmm…. right.
Oh yea, sure you’re uhh… you’re a real genius
there Edgar…”

“Oh well, I don’t know about Genius
I mean… well… maybe a little bit y’know
I don’t like to toot my own horn
but ehh… yea man, I nailed it!”

“Right… no yea it’s wonderful there Ed-gie.”

“Don’t call me that…”

“Call you what… Eddd-giiieee?”

“Come on Steve, knock it off…”

“Oooooo….. what are you gonna do?
Kill me in my sleep
and hide my dis-embodied head
and legs under-the-floorboards ehh?”

“OK, Steve… come on now…”

“OK you’re right. You’re right…
Say Ed-gie…. what was that
going on in your room last night…
O I don’t know…
around the stroke of midnight?”

“Umm… I don’t know what
you’re talking about.”

“Mmmm… yea, it’s just that I ehh…
I noticed there was some pretty
heavy “beating” going on… ehh?
What was that the ole ehh…
tell-tale heart beating over there, ehh?”

“Umm… Steve, I don’t know what you mean…”

“O Come on… Ed-gie!
You know what I’m saying!
Spilling the ink on the ole page, ehh?”

“Steve, I uhhh-”

“No, no it’s cool, man.
It’s cool… I know you’re a writer,
you ehh… got to keep the
creative juices flowing ehh?”

“Steve, I-”

“No, no it’s cool man. I get it.
Quill-in-hand, quill-in-hand…”

“OK Steve…”

“Mmmm… yea, a stroke of the pen
at the stroke of midnight, ehh?”

“Alright, alright. You got me…”

“Say… who were you thinking about, ehh?
Lenore or Annabel Lee?”

“OK… OK… very funny.
Listen, I was lonely, alright?
It’s no big deal… OK?”

“Hey man, whatever you say…”

“Alright Steve, well anyway…
Could you leave me alone?
I was actually in the middle of writing a poem.”

“Ooooo…. a poem! Watch out ladies!
Edgar Allan Poe’s cooking up
a little love-potion, ehh?
Spinning the ole spider-web, ehh?
Very nice! Alright!”

“OK, Steve. Thank you…”

“Say listen…
Ed-gie my boy… ole buddy ole pal…
so… you’re sure that Tell-Tale Heart
story you wrote is purely fictional?”

“Uhh… yea, Why?”

“O, I was just wondering
y’know… about the character with the blue eyes…
the uhh… room-mate who gets killed?
He doesn’t represent anyone does he?”

“Umm… noooo…”

“You sure?”

“Ummm… yea. Not that I can think of…”

“OK… Ed-gie… if you say so…
I mean… you’re the author, so…
you would know, right?
I mean… if you were talking about
somebody you knew, then uhh…
you’d know that… being the ole author
of the story…”

“Umm… Steve, is something bothering you?”

“Look… Ed-gie…
if you want me to move out…
why don’t you just say so!”

“Whoa, Whoa…
Steve, what’s this?”

“Come on Edgar!
Who else has blue eyes, ehh?
Yea, that’s right I’ve got blue eyes?
And yes… they’re beautiful!
I can’t help it!
I’m sorry, I was born this way!
Now, if you got a problem with that
why don’t you say it to my face
instead of writing it in your little
story like some sort of passive-aggressive
artist operandi, ehh?”

“Whoa, Steve…
Do you think the Tell-Tale Heart
is about… you?”

“Well, I don’t see any other room-mates
around with brilliant baby blue eyes
that shimmer like an icelandic lake
un-tainted by the flipping feet of a swan!”
Now look, OK… I know you’re upset
because I turned down your advances
the other night…
you were ehh… forced to listen to the
sounds of your ehh… “beating-heart,” ehh?
But don’t take your un-requinted pining
love-lust out on me, OK?”

“Whoa, Steve…
I think you’re reading waayyyy
too much into the story…”

“No, no, Edgar….
I know you write symbolically.
You’re not gonna pull one over on me… OK?
I was an English major in college…
I know stuff!”

“OK man… settle down…”

“No, I’m not going to settle down!
You wrote that story about me,
and I know it
and you know it
and uhh… and I know it…
y’know!”

“Alright man, alright.
Just relax… it’s cool Steve.
Yea man… whatever you say? OK…
Just uhhh… just settle down, alright?
Take it easy…”

“Admit it Poe!
You’re jealous!
Your jealous of me and my baby blue eyes
that sparkle like a thousand stars
over an Arabian desert…
or like a ehh… moon in the wilderness
of lost dis-content… or ehhh… well…
like something else that’s
really sparkly, y’know!”

“OK, OK… Steve…
you’re right, man?
I’m uhh… jealous of you, that’s it…”

“Yea, I knew it!
You’re jealous of my sweet
azurian baby-blues, my toned glutes…
and the fact that I have
10 times as many followers on my
twitter account than you do on ehh…
what is it @ravenguy69?
Admit it Edgar!
You’re jealous of my social media prowess…
and you’re in love with me…
at the same time!”

“Alright Steve… you uhh…
you got me…
you’re uhh… 100% correct OK…
whatever you say…”

“That’s right Edgar…
But hey man, I don’t blame ya…
I’d feel the same way if I was you too…”

“O… well, thank you Steve
for umm… being so understanding…”

“Hey, man… no problem man.”

“Alright, Steve…
Well… I guess I’m glad we had this
heart-to-heart.”

“Aaahhhhhh…..”