Rumpelstiltskin by the Brothers Grimm

Once upon a time
a long
time ago
a very long time ago

a time before time?
no
but a long time
an indefinite obscure ambiguous
but i guess impressive length of time
ago?

there lived a miller
whatever that is
and a King

and the King
for whatever reason
had a room filled with straw
and He wanted the straw
turned into gold
even though
that’s impossible

Now, the miller
whatever that is

had a daughter

and he wanted to get in the good graces of the King
and so
he told the King that his daughter could perform
the alchemic task of turning the straw
into gold

and so the King
agreed
and had the miller’s daughter brought into
a room
filled with straw
and she was instructed to turn it into gold

The daughter
who isn’t named

i guess that’s not important?

is put in the room, and the door is locked
because clearly they don’t have
human rights violations
and laws in place
in fairy-land
and clearly these tales originally were sexist
and that was OK

So here you have the daughter
she’s in the room
locked-in
with all this straw
and she’s supposed to make it into Gold
which is impossible
there’s a spinning-machine
which i guess
is somehow supposed to help
with the conversion process

So the daughter sans name
thinks to herself
“Wow, this is ridiculous.
My dad has basically allowed this King
to make me his slave?
And what is the deal with the King?
Why is he such an asshole?”

At this time, for no reason whatsoever
a small man comes into the room
(he must have had a key)

Now, I don’t know why he’s small
I’m not sure the significance of the story
necessitates that he is small
i can imagine it has to do with the
mythological imaginary
idea that small-people have
some special skills
like alchemy, in this instance
but either way
there he is

and the Daughter
laments to the small man
“Woe is me, I have to turn
this straw into gold
and I don’t know how”

So the small man,
consistent with the other male-characters
of this story
tells the girl he will do it for her
if she will give something to him?

“What do you want?”
she asks

and he says
“I like your necklace.”

So the daughter agrees
and the small man
gets the girl’s neckless,
which I guess he’s into,
and he begins
spinning the straw into Gold
that’s the main crux
of this story

WHIRR WHIRR WHIRR
the straw he does spin
the necklace he does win
the girl
essentially waiting til the morning
so she can leave this forced
inprisonment

in our tale of folk-lore
and wonderment

So the next day
the King is happy
and the Miller is happy
and the small man is happy
(because he has the necklace)

and the daughter she’s obviously
not happy
because what did she gain from this
experience?
imprisonment, forced labor,
exploitation? coersion?

But there it is
Now, the Miller of course
pimps out his daughter
to again “turn more straw into Gold”
the King happily obliges
and the small man again
comes to her “rescue”
this time
asking for her ring

So now, the Miller’s happy
the King’s happy,
the small man’s got
bling out the yay-o
the daugher’s necklace
and ring

so what happens next?
Well, round 3
Do it again
back on the Street
back on the Corner
Pacific Ave
get me my money
the Miller
turning out his daughter
The King
getting his paper
The Small Man
what
is he
going
to ask for this time?

Well, it turns out this time
the Small Man doesn’t want anymore jewelry
the daughter doesn’t have any more
her jewel has been taken
and so
the Small Man
decides that in exchange for weaving
this third batch of straw into gold
he wants her to give him her first Child

The Daughter really has no options
because
implicit in her forced gold-spinning
is the threat of death
from the King
so she has to agree

So she does
consentually

and the gold is made
and time goes
by
and eventually the daughter
meets someone and has a child
and the Small Man
shows up

asking for “What’s his”

The daughter
who at this point is a woman
is looking at this guy
and she says
“No”

“This is ridiculous”
“I only agreed under duress.
I cannot leave my Child Behind
with you, if i were to do such a thing
what sort of Mother would I be?”

The Small Man
then decided
just to mess with her

He says
“If you can get my name
and tell it to me
within the next 3 days
I will let you keep your child
if not he is Mine”

He knew she would never
find out his name
because everyone called him
the Small Man
but there it was
and there it is
and there you have it
and so it is written
and so it shall be

And so our female protagonist
did everything in her powers
to try to procure his name
she asked the blacksmith
she asked the carpenter
she tried to find Phil
the Philosophosaurus
but he was attending
to other things

and alas
she could not find out his name
and
how she did worry
of giving up her child

and so she walked despairingly
through the Woods
head-held-low
to and throw
wondering why she had ever chosen
to reside in fairy-tale land
in the first place
with these twists and turns
of absurdity

where no-one seems to care about
honesty or integrity
there’s no concept of feminism
sherley
there was Mary Tyler Moore to be
had in this world
then
such Patriarchal misery

and so she threw her hat
up up and away
with
no time-freeze frame
continuing on
towards
a high hill
with a fire burning brightly

and there she did notice
the Small Man
dancing around a fire
singing his song

“Soon, so Soon
I will receive
the Child of that Woman
Eve-night
come soon
tomorrow I will reap
what she must
give unto me”

OK, so clearly the Small Man
is a bit arrogant a bit cavalier
a bit brash perhaps even
pre-mature
in his

ejaculations

and

self-congratulations

of that
which he thinks
he’s going to get
from this Woman

and
so he does continue:

“Rumpelstiltskin
is my name
she knoweth not
here I dance around
smoke and pot
RUMPLESTILTSKIN

RUMPELSTILTSKIN!

HAHAHAHAaaaaaaa   aaaa  aaa  a”

and the Woman
thinks to herself

“Really?”

This guy gave me three days
to find out his name
and then he’s going to have
a bonfire masturbatory
session
within walking distance of my house
screaming
his own Name?

Is this guy for real?

and so she goes up to him
and
says

“You’re name is Rumpelstiltskin”
and he looks
at her

y’know with that look
of
why am I such an idiot
and
she’s looking at him
like
yea, i know
that’s a good question

and she leaves