Re-Gifted! A Conversation between God and Jesus

“Yea, yea.
Just put the clouds over there,
no, no not by the portico
over by the veranda!
OK, yea yea… that’s good.
Right, OK. Now tilt it… Good, Good.
OK, now Stop!
Good.
Phew. Alright, guys
good work!”

“Hey Dad…”

“Jesus! What the hell?
What are you doing here?”

“Umm… I don’t know.
They didn’t want me.
They sent me back?”

“What? Who didn’t want you?
Mankind?”

“Yea…”

“So… they just gave you back?”

“Yea…”

“Unbelievable!
Y’know what, this is so totally
unbelievable.
Not only do I create the World,
Not only do I give them sacred scripture,
Not only do I provide them with HBO
and fruit-roll-ups…
but here I go and give them my Son
as a Gift to all humanity,
and look here you are!”

“Yea… I know.”

“So they gave you back?”

“Yea…”

“So… they re-gifted you?”

“Umm… I guess so.”

“Yea, I mean.
I gave you to them, my son,
gift to humanity,
and they didn’t want you so they just
gave you back to me?
What the hell is that?
Did they think I wasn’t going to notice?”

“Umm… hmm.”

“Y’know, this is so typical.
I’m telling you, last Thanksgiving
Uncle Frank gave me the same
damn green sweatshirt I gave him
the previous year for Christmas!”
Can you believe that?”

“Yea, well… y’know.
That’s people for ya.
I mean, we can’t all be Jesus right?”

“Yea, yea yea.
Of course.
But still, I mean what the shit, man?
Y’know, sometimes I’m just
so frustrated with these
human beings.
I tell ya, if they weren’t rapidly
destroying themselves
through global
economic and environmental
devastation…
I might pull another
Noah’s Ark on their ass.”

“Yea, yea. No, I know.”

“So tell me Son, did they at least
treat you well while you were down there?”

“Well… I mean,
y’know I had my opportunities to say
some things, umm…
to do some of the magic tricks you taught me,
turning water into wine
and feeding the masses with bread and fish
and the like…
but at the end they wound up brutally
killing me.”

“What?”

“Oh yea, they were hitting me
and then nailing me to a cross
and I had to wear this crown of thorns…
it was a whole thing?”

“You’re kidding me?”

“No! Weren’t you uhh…
paying attention?”

“Son, listen I thought you were a grown man,
y’know, you should be able to handle yourself.
Besides, I had the ehh… plumber over y’know.
The rain doesn’t just fall on its own
y’know what I mean?”

“What? Father! You abandoned me!”

“Whoa, whoa…
Hey there.
Hey pal, what’s going on buddy?
No… of course not!
Look, I’m sorry things got out of hand,
umm… I’ll make it up to you next time.
I tell you what, here’s what we do.
I’ll send you back when they get their
act together, y’know a second time,
and then I’ll make sure you’re taken
care of.”

“You promise?”

“Son, of course!
Yea… that’s what I’ll do.
I’ll give you back to them!
Ha! I’ll re-gift the re-gifters,
see how they like it.
No more of these new prophets,
Muhammed, the supposed
Bahai guy, I’m not going to count
the Mormon thing because that’s
bullshit…
I’m sending you back!”

“Yay!”

“OK, good.
Right after I finish watching
Married with Children.
I like the way Al and Peggy
are always fighting,
but not really, y’know they love each other.
Oh, and Kelly! How about her, ehh?
I bet she’s no Virgin Mary? ehh?”

“I actually prefer Step by Step.”

“Really?”

“Oh yea, Zack Morris.
Now that’s a good looking guy,
y’know, he’s attractive
but in a very innocent way.
I like that.”

“Jesus, is that how you really feel?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die!
O wait, I already did that.”

“Ha! O, yea.
That’s good.
Hey, maybe you should write
for the sitcoms.”

“Aww, thanks Dad.
Hey, I got to go.
Someone’s taking my name in vein,
or well… I guess our name?
I don’t know, what’s the difference?
Love you!”

“And I love you, Son.
Good to have you home.
Take off your shoes.”

“What are we asian?”

“No! I just had the clouds cleaned
OK, geez. Look, don’t make me
send you to your mothers…”