Rapunzel by the Brothers Grimm

There once was a beautiful girl

and her name was Rapunzel

and she had the most beautiful
golden hair in all the world

but Rapunzel lived with a wicked
old witch

who kept her trapped
in a tall tall tower

on the outskirts of town
where rent
was cheaper

and there was less property
tax

There in the tower, Rapunzel
would weep and cry
for she knew she would never
be able
to get a guy

for she was trapped trapped
in this tall towering

tower

and no matter how
much Mascara she applied

there was no one around
for her to excite

How lonely she was
there

all alone

in this dungeon castle-tower
spire she called home

and the Witch would laugh at her
misfortune

because she was

a witch

and they like that sort of thing

and this witch was in particularly
really
kinky
for she

delighted in having Rapunzel
let down her long golden hair
from the tower castle window

so that she the Witch
could climb up it
when returning home

she had her broom
and there was a front door

but hey
you know

some people just get a kick
out of this sort of thing

so let’s just
let it go

and continue with our
magical
inspiration
transcendent angelic
story

from the days when men were men
and girls were girls
and Witches with fetishes
of hair-climbing

never get old

One day a young man
a Knight or Prince
or other archetypal masculine
youthful save-the-damsel figure

came riding by the tower
and saw the Witch climbing this hair-rope
up to the top

of the spire

and he saw the girl
in the window
and she was most beautiful

so of course
he was obliged on the basis of her beauty
to see if he could
rescue her
from this most unfortunate
routine

and so One Day
he got the idea in his mind’s eye

to yell out to her
as did the Witch

“Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your hair
it is I the Witch
and I do dare to climb up the tower
to enter our lair.”

and he planned to do it
probably sometime next week
he wrote it down in his calendar
so to speak

But the Witch saw the Knight checking
out her scene
and she knew the deal
having been through this sort of thing
before

all Witches know about young Prince’s
desires
and how to foil them

to cockblock them

as necessary so that they can continue
their essentially
lesbianic strangle-hold over the fair
maidens who are their victims

in these innocent stories
told

and so the Witch came up with a plan
of her own
to foil the Knight’s altruistic or
hormonally driven schematic

specifically she would
cut off Rampuzel’s hair
put her in some other part
of the lair

and use the hair to create
the impression of the girl
being still by the window

sill

so when the Prince
came by a second time
and saw the hair
and called for Rapunzel

she the

Witch

could lower it

the hair-rope
and so

net him-in
to
her spider web
of

“That’s quite enough!”

and the day came
probably a Wednesday

because its in the middle of the week
so the Knight wasn’t really doing anything

where he came and strutted and posed
on his horse
and called out to what he thought was the
girl in the window

“Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your hair!”

and the hair came fluttering down
and he did start to climb up the side
of the tower to the window

and finally after making the hike
up this mountain-side
he entered through
the window

and saw not Rapunzel

but the Witch!

and she said “Aha! Now I’ve got you!”

and the Prince looked at her
and said

“Really? OK, I get it
I think
uhh
you wanted me to climb the “hair”
and find out its you the Witch
not Rapunzel, and that’s great, its very clever,
and good job by the way
but… really?”

isn’t this a bit cliche
I mean
you are a witch right
couldn’t you have just put a spell over me
so I wouldn’t have had to climb up this
whole tower-thing

I mean there’s rose beds and vines
and thorns down there
I could have fallen and blinded myself
I just don’t think this whole production
was really necessary

I mean I get it
you’re a witch so you don’t really care
about being considerate

but uhh
I don’t know

well, y’know what I mean.

and the Witch looked into his eyes and said

“You’re right my boy!
You handsome devilish-friend
I could have turned you into a frog
or simply even boarded up the windows
or any number of other things

but I wanted you to come up here
yes

so now it could be just you and me
here in this bedroom chamber
alone

with the moon coming out soon
here let me light a candle
and we can
get to know each other a little better
of course
if you can excuse my ruse

but hey it’s all in good fun
and now I’m feeling quite saucy
and you are already sweaty
from that climb up the tower wall
why don’t
you try

travelling up my mountain-side?”

and the Knight looked
at the Witch

for a few seconds

and just taking it all in really

and sort of stood there
awkwardly

not really
knowing
what
to
say…