Pascal’s Wager

“Pascal, my man. What’s going on my friend?”

“Oh, not much. Same ole, same ole.”

“That’s good. Listen, I don’t have time for
the small chit-chat.
I want to talk to you about your Wager.”

“Which wager?”

“The Wager! Come on, you know, silly
the Wager with God, I’ve heard about it.”

“Ahh, yes, well… uhh, what would you like
to know?”

“Tell me, Pascal, don’t be shy, tell me
what is this Wager? How does it go?”

“You really want to know?”

“Yes, of course.”

“OK… well, the basic idea is that
God may or may not exist, right,
and so, as human beings, we have the choice
to either act as if he does exist
i.e. to be good, and thus go to heaven
if we’re right, or alternatively to act as if he doesn’t
exist, but then if we’re wrong, we may go to hell.
And so, consequently, my Wager
is the statement that we should act as if God does
exist, whether he does or doesn’t in reality,
so that way we cover our asses in either event,
and will go to heaven, and not hell,
if the whole Christianity after-life thing is true.”

“Pascal, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying, we don’t know if God exists,
if there’s heaven and hell, so let’s act as if there is,
and do good things, to cover our bets.
That is why I call it the Wager.”

“But, Pascal, I don’t understand.
You want me to believe in the God?”

“Well, of course. I’d like you to believe in God,
but if you can’t, you might as well act like it,
just in case.”

“Just in case?”

“Yes, exactly. Just in case. You hedge your bets,
look its like when you’re with one girl
and then you’re with another,
y’know, you don’t put all your eggs in one basket
you have to spread it around right?”

“Oh, you’re saying how like when in college
I was bi-curious, y’know because maybe I like
the sausage more than the uhh… vagina?
Right, yes this is what you say?”

“Umm, I’m not sure about that.
That may be just you attempting to rationalize
your homosexual collegiate curiosities…
but I am saying that you should protect
yourself in the event of future consequences.”

“Oh, so you’re saying like the time
I was wearing the women’s panties in my room
and my grandma was downstairs so I locked the
door to make sure she didn’t come in and
see me with the lady’s undergarments
around my schlong-stick?”

“Uhh, no. I don’t think I’m saying anything like that.
I mean, I guess I am suggesting prudence
and foresight are positive traits,
but I’m really talking about something totally different.”

“Pascal, you coy son of a bitch!
Why don’t you tell me exactly what you mean by
this Wager? Really?”

“Look, OK. Here’s what’s going on.
I believe in God, but not everyone does,
so I came up with this position that if you don’t believe
in God, you can still act as if he’s exist,
“just in case” OK, it’s no big deal.
It’s just something I came up with,
y’know I’m a mathematician I work on probability theory
so I’m taking the math stuff and applying
it to the theological realm, to have a creative synthesis
as a part of my self-expression and Christian apologetics,
it’s ehhh…. there’s a lot going on, y’know.”

“Pascal, my friend, you talk ahhh… nonsense no?
What are you saying?”

“Look, OK, yes, you’re right. It’s meaningless crap,
purely logical semantical binary yes and no
hypothetical scenario with a probably made-up God
I understand its confusing, its contrived,
give me a break OK?
This is the 17th century for Christ’s sake!
I’m doing my best, I really am.”

“OK, listen, I’m sorry Pascal. I didn’t mean to upset you.
Listen, hey, you see that girl over there?
That’s one fine looking piece of woman is it not?
I bet you’d like to give her your Pascal’s triangle
if you know what I mean?”

“Uhh… really? Are you using the mathematical theorem
I created to help countless future school-children
with arithmetic as a euphemism for schtupping
that random hot woman?”

“Yes! Of course I am! You make things add up,
the numbers, her 2 and your 1 together make 3!”

“OK, OK I get where your going with this.
There’s no need to get graphic. OK.”

“Graphs? No, there’s no need for graphs,
it’s linear.”

“OK, OK, very nice I get it.”

“What? All I’m saying is you should
try to get tangent to her curves, Man,
come on this is basic calculus, it adds up!”

“OK, yes, very clever. I understand
mathematical puns, please, that’s enough.
I don’t want to have this conversation
vacillating between your math-cloaked
sexual innuendos and my meta-referential statements
OK, come on let’s move on, seriously.”

“Pascal? All I’m saying is that nature
abhors a vacuum, come on, you know this to be true.
Come on now, she is waiting for you,
get in there. I dare you. I bet you.
Where is your Wager now? Huh,
come on put your balls on the tables, ehh?”

“Alright, you know what, I can’t deal with this.
I got to get going.”

“Pascal, wait. Where are you going?
O, so you are the only one allowed to have thoughts, ehh?
Yea, I read your books, what big man you are,
walking away, o with your faith and silly arguments,
with your hydrothermic dynamic theorems
and tangents and what-nots,
OK, you go ahead, you walk out on me OK
that’s fine.
You be content with your crazy Wager
and your ehh Triangle and in 1985
the Programming Language named after you,
OK, you be happy with that,
leaving me here confused and by myself,
OK, that’s ehhh whatever
thanks a lot.

Yes, I, ehh… I am so lonely.
Nobody likes me,
ehh… what can I do?”