Machiavelli in DC

“Hey Machiavelli,
how’s it going?”

“Good. Very good.
Thank you for asking.”

“So… Niccolo,
what are you reading?”

“Ahh this?
This is a very important book.
A guide, and with this guide
I will learn the ins and outs
of the power-structure
of the United States.”

Wow! What is it?”

“It is called The Prince-”

“Ahh, the Prince!
Yes, I’ve heard of this!”

“Yes! It’s the Prince-ton Review.
Of the colleges, in the United States.
It has all sorts of information
- data and graphs and charts
and summaries which I will use to my
advantage as I plan my take-over
of the United States.”

“Really? Wow…
So, Machiavelli what do you have in mind?”

“Well, after enrolling in one of their many
colleges, I will become one of them.
I will blend in seamlessly, making my way
to the Washington of DC.”

“Ahh, I see.”


“And then what Niccolo?”

“Ahh, OK.
Then I will intern in the Senate
- to boost my resume with a prestigious
position essentially involving me working
for free… but feeling good about it, y’know?”

“Ahh… yes, I know Niccolo.”

“Yes, so it is so.
I will then use the many social media
applications available on the IPhone
to become the Big Apple myself, y’know?”

“Mmm… you mean the facebook?”

I will network over the internet.
And not only this, I will hang out in
various cafes and restaurants
where I will seek others with a mind that is
similar to my own.
Nobody too smart, I don’t want competition,
nobody too sly, though no-one is slyer than me,
nobody too competitive, nor cooperative, even,
but other people… drinking their coffee
eating their… biscotti
together we will ally ourselves
into a unit more powerful than one could
ever imagine
channeling our young urbanite forces
like the mighty morphin power rangers,
if you will.”

“Will I!”

“Will you what?”


“You said Will I, what are you going to do?”

“Yes, I will do what you say.”

“No, no no. That is what I do.
The if you will is but an American expression.
Listen I can’t go down there with my pants
around my ankles, OK.
I must learn the ways that the common man speaks
in order to show that I am superior to the…
common man.
I must be impressive in suit and tie
while simultaneously renting a car by the hour
to go through American drive-through restaurants.”

“Niccolo, you are a genius.”

“Yes, this is true.
But it’s always nice to hear.
So thank you.
Yes, I will with ease gain control of Washington DC
and from there make my attack on the inner harbor
of Baltimore, and ultimately I will move
with swiftness and veracity
to the City where all Brothers Love each-other
- Philadelphia.”

“Ahh, but is it not better to be feared than loved?”

“Fear not my friend, for I love myself
and the Dunkin Donuts coffee which their country
runs upon, or so is advertised as if it is true
on their television sets, and on both my own hubristic
pneumatology and caffeine liquid propulsion
there is no stopping me from achieving
how do you say…
good things?”

“Niccolo, your words flow like a substance
which… well, I guess a substance without a lot of friction, y’know?”

“I do. Again, the compliments they encourage me
to continue with my elaborate machinations.
And finally, having conquered DC with ease,
overwhelmed the Baltimore tribes
and the Philadelphites
I will move to the most powerful city in all of America
from which to start my Empire.”

“Ahh… and what would that be?”

“Voorhees, New Jersey.”

“Really? I’ve never heard of it…”

“Well, you should go sometime.
They have a nice movie-theater.
Granted, the rest of the area is mostly suburban sprawl
and consumer service roads…
but I assure you below the earth and in the air
lie dormant great powers for ultimate World Conquest!”

“May you be blessed with many…
well… with many blessings I guess, right?”

“Yes, thank you.
Blessings would be good.
I may also need you for a letter of recommendation
and as a reference here and there…
but blessings are good too.”

“And how may I follow you, Machiavelli?”

“Ahh… well, just look for my tweets
which will permeate the sky like a bird’s song
to the heavens,
and also the occasional new profile picture
on my facebook account.
From this you shall be able to deduce
my goings-on and we can co-ordinate ourselves

“Mmm… that sounds good.
And will you be doing anything else, Machiavelli?”

“Yes of course. I will play guitar.”

“What’s that?”

“Yes, I will play the guitar.
For fun.
It’s pleasant.
I ehh… enjoy doing it, y’know?
With the strumming, and the chords
and how they change, but life it remains basically
the same… I like music.
I guess that’s what I’m trying to convey.
It’s a hobby.”

“Ahh, very nice.
You are very talented, in different ways.”

“Hey, come on man?
You know me, I am a Renaissance Man.”

“Mmm… yes, there’s a dual-meaning there
a play on words if you will.
I like it.”

“Thanks, I try.”

“That you do, Niccolo.
That you do.
And that is why I will always be your friend.”