“OK, Little Mermaid. How are you doing?”
“Umm… I’m OK.”
“So, is this your first photo-shoot?”
“Ahh, I see. Are you nervous?”
“Umm… a little bit.”
“Oh well there’s nothing to be nervous about!
Don’t worry… the camera is going to love you.
I mean, you’re a beautiful girl!
And we’re all professionals here.
Now let’s just lose the fin,
and umm… get this thing going!”
“Yea, y’know… lose the ehh… fin, there
y’know so we can do this thing?”
“Umm… I can’t. It’s attached to my body.”
“Attached to your body?”
“Yea… I’m a mermaid, remember.”
“Ahh yes. Right, the Little Mermaid, heh…
OK, well, umm… that’s not a problem,
we can work around that.
Trust me now a days, with the air-brushing,
we can work miracles.
So… let’s just get you into your tuxedo
and up on the horse.”
“Oh yea, didn’t they tell you this is a shoot
for women wearing tuxedos riding horses.”
“Umm… OK, but uhh… I’m a mermaid.
Wouldn’t it make more sense for me
to be in water, y’know?
Maybe… umm wearing a swim-suit or something?”
“Nah… I think riding on a horse
wearing a tuxedo will suit you fine.
O, you see that… “suit” you fine!
I made a pun. I like that.
I congratulate myself on the fortunate
“Well, anyways, look let me just
see your silky-smooth skin here…”
“Hey! Get your Hans off me.”
“Ahh… tu-che. Tu-che.
Yes, but for the sake of our listeners
let us just remind them that the author
of the fairy-tale The Little Mermaid
was written by a man named
Hans Christian Andersen.
Now, let’s go on.”
“Look, can we just do this thing OK.
I’m really not supposed to be out of the water that long…”
“Of course not! You are like a fish-out-of-water
O-ho-ho! I am… too good at this.
Somebody stop me.
But seriously, you have nothing to worry about.
The camera loves you, the lobster loves you…
I love you! You are… ehh… well, very love-able
I guess you could say.”
“OK, that’s fantastic. Can we move this along.”
“Whoaaaa! Watch the attitude, missy.
Geez what a FLAP you are?”
“Y’know, Flemish-American Princess.”
“Umm… if you’re referring to my country
of origin that would be Denmark,
y’know… Copenhagen? Well.. technically
under the sea but you get my drift.”
“Ahh, OK. Well… still, I insist on trying
to relate you to a JAP… the ehh…
Jewish-American-Princess of course,
not the Japanese. No, they… have nothing
to do with this.
But yes, you FLAP you!
You… Fin-ish-American Princess!
Ha-ha! I did it. Not only do I use your country
of origin, but I make another pun, see the ehh…
“Umm… Finland and Denmark are too separate
“Ahh… I see. Well, OK y’know what.
Fuck it. I was going for the pun, but I missed
it like Lucy took the football away at the last second y’know?
The ole Charlie Brown ehh?
But ehh… yea, I was trying to point out that you are being
Well, be that as it may, let’s get this thing rolling.”
“Yes! Of course! We shall roll
like the cinnamon bun.
We shall roll like the stone going down the side
of a mountain.
Yes, we shall roll like a ehh…
well, like other things that roll, y’know?”
“Dude, you’re like really annoying.”
“Yes! I annoy you like a small child
pestering its mother…
I annoy you like a mosquito flying
around the ass of a rhino… it’s so big
but can’t deal with the tiny… mosquito.
I annoy you like unnecessarily expensive
tolls while driving through roads
to get to… places, that well… you have to get-to.
Although, one could argue the price is justified
as the cost of maintaining the roads
necessitates a certain income from those
who use them on a daily basis,
but… there are so many things we could
discuss, maybe you want to join me later
tonight over a nice bottle of wine, ehh?
Y’know what I’m getting at, ehh?”
“Umm… yea, I don’t see that as happening?”
“What? Why ehh… why not?
Do you not like my ehh… sauve sophisticated
manner of speaking or ehh…
the nice bulge in my pantaloons, ehh?”
“I’m sorry, I just I don’t know how about this whole thing.”
“What? What whole thing? We’re just talking.
Don’t be silly, come on. Come on,
let’s get you up on the horse, OK.
Look I made an ass of myself, OK
I know, it it it… well, it wasn’t my finest moment.
Besides, you’re only 15 right?”
“Riiiighhht. Now, 15 that’s in Mermaid years so…
would that be ehh… well, no OK let’s be professional
let’s get this photo-shoot done, and then I will consult
with my lawyer tomorrow in the morning.
OK… you ready?”
“Yea, y’know what. I’m not feeling this.
I’m sorry but I’m gonna get going.”
“Hey! Little Mermaid! Make sure you know what
you’re doing! Come on a pretty girl like you
could make a lot of money with the photo-shoot…
Y’know I see a lot of girls like you, they ehh…
could be magazine-stars but wind up working
in the porn industry. Is that what you want, ehh?
You want ehh… to be sucking dick on camera, ehh?
Come on, put on the tuxedo… get on the horse.”
“What did you say?
O, so now you are a big Little Mermaid ehh?
You’re too large for the tuxedo to fit
and now you must ehh-quit, ehh?
O, OK Good. That’s fine.
Swim off into the distance and leave me here
with this fucking horse.
What is she doing? I can barely see…
Is she… really giving me the flipper?
O that bitch is flipping me off right now!
The nerve of her!
This pre-Madonna she must think this is a fantasy world!
Y’know, they cannot handle the truth that’s the thing.
Ahh well, it’s OK.
I know I’m a good guy.
And this is all a part of God’s plan right?
Y’know, the Best of All Possible Worlds
as Dr. Pangloss so eloquently spoke of?
I mean, this couldn’t simply be a matter of me being
a royal jackass, wasting this innocent girl’s time
and causing her unnecessary emotional duress
while simultaneously costing my company
hundreds of dollars spent on renting
this stupid tuxedo. And the horse!
I forgot about the horse!
That was expensive.
That is going to be a difficult one to explain to my boss.
He may yell at me until his voice is hoarse.
Heh, at least I have my sense of humor.
That’s always important.
I don’t know… maybe I could have handled things better?”