Leonidas and the Woman

“I declare in the name
of Sparta the great-city
state that this blemished
baby shall be thrown
over the side of this Cliff
to die!
For here in Sparta
we only allow perfectly-born
babies to live,
and to become
great Spartan soldiers!”

“Excuse me…”

“Umm… yes?
Hello, who are you?”

“Hiii… we’re from
the Pro-Life group
in neighboring Athens
and ummm…
Yes, we’ve recently
set up an office here in Sparta
to discourage the killing
of small infants
by throwing them off the
side of cliffs.”

“What’s this?
A woman telling me
what to do?
In my own city-state?”

“Hmm… typical male-attitude.
I see this is going to be difficult.
What is your name?”

“My name is Leonidas!”

“Ahh, OK right.
Well anyways, Mr. Leonidas,
as I was saying,
We are going to have
to strongly insist
that you re-consider
throwing those newborn
babies off the side
of this here cliff.”

“Listen… random woman
butting into my business,
this is our practice
here in Sparta,
and I am doing the duty
of the Gods!”

“Hmmm.”

“Now, away with you
foul woman!
You have no right speaking to me
a Man
in the first place!”

“Pardon me Mr.┬áLeonidas
but that attitude is completely
un-called for.
For heavens sake, this is practically
the 4th century BC!”

“What did you say to me woman?”

“Boy, you are some piece of work aren’t you?
I mean what type of crazed misogynistic backwater
am I in anyway?”

“Listen, woman
I don’t know what all those words mean…
But I do know that you are bothering me
and interfering with the will of the Gods!
Now be gone with you foul heathen!”

“I see.
Well, Mr. Leonidas
if you will not heed our warning
I must let you know you will be tisked.”

“Hah! Your tisks don’t bother me!”

“OK, we’ll see.
Mr. Leonidas.
We’ll see.”

“Go ahead.
I don’t give a tisk.
I’m not afraid of any woman
no matter how attractive she may be!”

“Now Mr. Leonidas, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
I’m here to help. That’s all.
And let me tell you,
if you don’t change your ways…
there’s going to be guilt to pay!”

“Guilt? What do you mean?”

“You’ll see…”

“I see nothing other than the glory of the Gods!
I shall now continue to throw these babies
off of this here cliff!”

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“Of course!
It is the will of the Gods!”

“OK. I didn’t want to do this but…
What would your mother think?”

“My mother? Well, she would be
proud of me I suppose…”

“Really, you think so?
You think you’re mother would be proud
of you throwing all these babies
over the side of a cliff?
You think that’s what a real man does?”

“But, it is the Will of the Gods!”

“Right.
We’ve heard you say that.
But, do you really think that’s the case
or are you just rationalizing
an incredibly harsh and brutal form
of infanticide?”

“Hmm… I don’t really understand what you’re saying
but let me think…
OK, I am throwing these babies off a cliff…
so I guess that’s probably not very good for their health.
Wait, by the gods!
Now that I think about it, all this throwing of babies
is probably hurting them!
Hell, they may actually be killed!
What the fuck am I doing?”

“It’s OK, Mr. Leonidas,
it will be alright…”

“No really, I’m a monster!”

“OK, OK… let it out Leonidas.
It will be OK…”

“No I mean, this is really bad!
I’m going to be straight up
fucked-in-the-goat-ass
on this one, y’know?
O my Gods!
What’s going to happen when I die?
They are not going to be happy
about all this baby killing!
My Gods, what an idiot I was.
I thought it would give them character!
They’ll never believe me.”

“There there Leonidas…
it’ll be OK…
Well… not really,
I mean, yea you’re right
you are going to be totally fucked.
But listen, in the meantime,
why don’t you try to relax?”

“Relax? How can I relax?”

“Have you tried water
with cucumber and a little lemon?”

“What?”

“Y’know, with the lemon?”

“You’re talking to me about lemons!”

“All I’m saying is,
you’ve got to relax a bit.
You’re clearly over-worked and stressed out.
You must have inflammation and a high acid
level in your bloodstream
and certainly great stress in those broad shoulders.
Listen, Leonidas…
when have you ever done something just for you?
Not for the Gods, not for Sparta…
but just for YOU?”

“Well… I don’t know exactly.”

“OK, well this is your time
to do something just for you.
Not for anybody else but Leonidas.
OK?
Now, have you ever seen Curb Your Enthusiasm?”

“You mean the show with that bald guy
who wrote Seinfeld?”

“Yes, exactly.
Come on, let’s go inside and turn on the TV
and watch Larry David as he demonstrates
certain well-known Jewish-stereotypes,
that while are not wholesale true,
do in fact represent some segment
of the American population.”

“Hmm… that does sound nice.
I’ll do it!
I will put down the babies
and pick up the remote control!
Thank you woman.
You are not the horrible wench I first thought.”

“It warms my heart to hear you say that, Leonidas.
It really does.”

“Hey woman, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, Leonidas.
What is it?”

“Do you think I’m a bad guy?”

“No Leonidas, you’re not a bad guy…
you’re just a jackass.
But let’s get real,
who knows if this whole Spartans
throwing babies off a cliff thing
is real in the first place?
Well, I guess Historians do…
but other than them,
I mean the general public only has
the movie 300 to go off of right?

“So you’re saying
everything will be OK?”

“Oh, no.
You’re fucked.”

“Ahh.”