Frustrations and Lamentations

“Hey Torah, my man, how’s it going?”

“Oh, hey. It’s OK.
Nothing special.”

“Yea I hear ya…
So, Mr. Books of Moses…
are you going to the game this weekend?”

“I don’t know.
I don’t really feel like it.”

“Hey? Tanach, what’s wrong man?”

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry”

“It’s OK, you can tell me.”

it’s just that, O forget it.
You’re going to think its stupid…”

“No, no. Come on, tell me man.
I am your friend!”

“OK, well,
it’s just that…
I feel like…
people don’t read me anymore!”

“What? Books of Moses, what are you talking about?
Of course people read you,
the Bible is the most widely read book
in the world…
well, other than Harry Potter
y’know its hard to compete with wizards and dragons.”

“I know. I know.
I told you it’s silly,
but… well…
it’s just not the same.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, sure… people are reading the Bible
But do they really get me?”

“Sure they do.”

“Come on, I hear what they say.”

“What are you talking about.
Nobody says anything.”

“Sure they do, I’m nothing more than a prequel!”

“Torah, come on now.”

“No really, I hear what they call me.
The “Old Testament!”

“They mean that as a compliment!”

“O some compliment!
Why don’t they just call me bald while they’re at it?”

“Hey come on at least they’re talking about you.
You should be flattered.”

“It’s alright.
I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

“Hey man, I’m here to listen.”

“OK. Well…
I feel like most people aren’t really
trying to get me, right?
They just want me to be what they want me to be.
They don’t appreciate me for me.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s like, they’ve already read the ending
and now they’re trying to find
the beginning in me.
But I can’t be what they want from me.
I can only be me!”

“O wow, I never thought of it that way.”

“I mean, do you know how insulting it is
what with the New Testament running around
and everyone saying he’s the greatest thing
since sliced bread?”


“I get no respect!”
How about the “Elder” Testament?
That would be nice.
A little respect, that’s all I ask!”

“Listen, Torah, I hear ya
but… what can you do?”

“And my own people!
The Jews they don’t even listen to me!
They’re too busy with their Rabbinic Commentaries.
They’re parsha and parceling me off left and right!
What am I chopped liver?”

“Listen, Books of Moses
I hear you, but we don’t want to alienate
our non-Jewish readership OK?”

“I don’t care!
I just don’t care anymore!”

“Look, Books of Moses,
this is a New Age we live in now.
This isn’t Judea, OK?
There’s TV… Youtube… Twitter…
People have the attention spans of gnats.
I mean, do you even think most people
are even still reading this piece of Schtick?”


“I said, do you think people are still
reading this Schtick?”

“What Schtick?”

“This Schtick.”

“What about it?”

“Do you think people are still reading it?”

“Oh, sorry. I was distracted.
Anyway, I was just saying it ain’t easy being me.
Y’know, there’s no rainbow in my sky.
The floodgates have opened
and there’s salt in my wounds.”

“Torah, I know its tough but listen
you have to hang in there OK?
You’re the Original!
Don’t forget that.
The New Testament, he may be the “cool kid” on the street
y’know, but he looks up to you.
They all do!”

“Yea right…”

“No really, where would the Koran be without you, ehh?”

“Who cares…”

“No, seriously!
You think people would be blowing themselves up
to the third in a Biblical series
if the original wasn’t legit?
Do you think there could have been a Mr. T
without Rocky himself?
You’re Rocky!”

“I don’t know.”

“No really!
You are Rocky!
You’ve got the Foundational stones of a lion.
And I’m not talking about that lion who was
hanging around Daniel.
I’m talking about a real lion.
Like an African lion.
Y’know? Like one of those lions ready
to devour a gazelle!”

“Hmm… maybe.”

“Seriously! You are the greatest!
The Ten Commandments? A work of art!
Genesis? Instant classic!
Exodus? Hey, I’m excited.
But remember, no matter how hard you try
some people won’t get you.
That’s just the way it is.
Y’know, you can’t get blood from a stone.”

“What does that mean?”

“What does what mean?”

“That expression – you can’t get
blood from a stone?”

“I don’t know, its a figure of speech I guess.”

“Ahh OK, sorry, it just confused me that’s all.”

“Well, hey, this is a Schtick
so it happens.
Remember, when in Rome…”


“Y’know, do as the Romans do?”

“Do what?”


“Do what like the Romans do?”

“Y’know, do whatever it is they’re doing.
I don’t know. It’s another figure of speech.”

“Are you serious right now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you really telling me
The 5 Books of Moses
to do as the Romans do?”

“Well not literally, again its a figure of spe-”

“Y’know, you are so insensitive!”

“Hey Books, my brother now child,
it was a Freudian slip that’s all.”

“Yea, well…
maybe you should have more considerate for my feelings!
I mean the lion is out of the gate here.
My camel is completely parched.”

“OK, OK I’m sorry.”

“I mean seriously,
here I am lamenting, the world is falling
like a great tower of babble,
the Westerners are wailing without rhyme,
and tis-the-season is playing on the radio year-long.
I’m losing it over here!”

“I’m sorry you’re right. I didn’t mean it.
Look, you don’t have to do as the Romans do?
OK? It was just an expression.
Forget I said anything.
Besides, the Roman Empire is long gone now.”

“I tell ya, I get no respect.”

“I know. I know.
I’m sorry, Books of Moses.
You’re right.”

“I get no respect.
Ahh well, maybe you’re right.
Maybe I’m taking this whole thing too seriously?
Maybe I’ve just been…
reading too much into it?”