Once upon a time
the Jews were stuck in the land of Egypt
slaves to the
well, to the Egyptians
and the Jews
were growing in numbers
because they were having sex
yamulkas on their heads
and so they did flourish
to the point that Pharaoh though to himself
“There are too many Jews,
this isn’t good.
If we don’t do something about this,
we’re going to have all these
comics making jokes about the peanuts
served on airplanes,
and doing parodies of Rome and Cavemen
and the History of the World
and one too many movies
about a neurotic Jew
who gets with women way out of his league,
it’s just going to be a mess.
I really need to do something.”
and so Pharaoh decided
the thing to do was to have all the sons
of the Jewish families executed.
Ch. 1 – Moses is born
Now, it just so happens
that one Jewish woman
refused to follow the decree of Pharaoh
to throw her baby boy into the Nile river
it wasn’t that she was in de-nile
she was just a strong willed woman
who did not believe in throwing
the baby out with the bathwater
and so she put the child
Moses in a basket
and sent him down the river
Way down in Egypt Land
so that the baby would survive
he would grow up
who knows where
and as it happened
the Child was picked
up down-stream by an Egyptian woman
a princess, the daughter of Pharaoh himself!
And so he was raised as an Egyptian
with the features
the portrait 2-dimensional standing positions
the hats and the cylinder-beards
and all that
and he fit in well
he didn’t know he was Jewish
and he had all these cats
to play with and the ladies
they enjoyed his company
and he theirs
Ch. 2 – Cast but not Out
Anyway, one day Moses
sees a Jewish guy being struck by an Egyptian
and his Jewish blood flows through his veins
through his hands and feet and brain
through his other extremities
and he gets upset
he goes to the Egyptian slave-master
and he kills the guy
Yea, he kills him.
That’s the way things happened back then.
Moses didn’t mess around.
He was an OG, an original gangster, if you will.
Unfortunately, Moses soon realized
there was heat on the street
and he had to stay on the down-low
and even get out of town
so as not to be caught by the 5-0
and so he left Egypt
where he walked
around for a while
until ultimately coming across a burning bush
Ch. 3 – Burning the Bush
And in the wild,
Moses did see the bush burn
the flames rising
he may have been high at the time
but either way
God spoke to him there and said
“Moses, I am God.”
and Moses, spoke back
“Hashem, my broheem.
How’s it going?”
and God said,
“Oh, not bad, y’know.
Just watching over creation, the usual.”
“Sure, I can imagine.”
“Moses, this is what I want you to do.
When you’re done with the bush burning
and the walking and the despondency
I want you to go back to Egypt
and I want you to talk to that Pharaoh guy.”
“What? My God, are you crazy?”
“Moses, relax. OK, don’t worry.
I got your back. I am God, I’m all power-ful
it’s not a big deal.
I just want you to go talk to the guy
and ask him to release the Jews
Ch. 4 – The Conversation Continues
“God, are you serious?
Come on, you think Pharaoh’s going to just
give up the Jews as his slaves?
Do you know how much money he’s saving?
He doesn’t have to report paying them,
it’s all under the table,
it’s under the pyramid. He has a whole
pyramid scheme going on there,
it’s sphynxed, the whole thing is sphynxed.
You think he’s just going to give that up?”
“Moses, Moses, listen. I’m not talking about
a rational conversation, OK, I don’t expect
you to convince him. In fact, I’m going
to make him hard, harder than he’s ever been before
when he sees your staff turn into a serpent
he will be hard and he will stay that way all through
the night, even into the next morning.
A whole week he will be hard!”
“Is that safe? I mean, should he see a doctor?”
“No, no. His heart! His heart I will make hard!
The point is, he won’t listen to you, and then I will
punish him and all the Egyptians.”
“Wait, Hashem, if you make it so he can’t consent
to freeing the Jews, then is it fair to then punish
him for not agreeing?”
“Moses, don’t worry. OK, you leave the thinking to me,
remember, I am God. I call the plays, OK,
you’re just an actor. Your gesture is going to be symbolic,
I have it all worked out. Trust me.”
“OK, whatever you say.
You’re the boss.”
“Yes, OK. Good Good, go, go forth to speak with Pharaoh!”
Ch. 5 – The Conversation with Pharaoh
“Hello Pharaoh, this is Moses.
You know the child your daughter raised
who was actually Jewish but didn’t know it
and killed a guy, and had to leave, and all that?”
“Ahh yes, Moses, what are you doing here?
Are you hungry?”
“No, no I’m find. I had some kreplach in the…
over there, before, No I’m good. Don’t worry.
But anyways, look, this is going to sound a bit weird
but I was smoking this cheefa and let me tell you
this stuff was strong.
Strong like bull.
I was seeing a burning bush, while I was burning the bush,
and God he spoke to me, he told me to come here,
he talked about your penis, it was somewhat confusing,
anyways the point is I have to ask you to let the Jews go
though I know you’re not going to,
that’s why I’m here.”
“I see, well, Yes, OK… uhh No, right, I will not let your people
go, they cannot collect $200, but there is free parking over
there for your camel.”
“I see, thank you Pharaoh, OK, we will continue with the next scene.”
Ch. 6 – The Plagues
And so God did plague the Egyptians with
frogs and boils and locusts, which are insects,
and other things, to punish the Egyptians
for enslaving the Jews,
and he mis-placed various items in their houses
so that they couldn’t find important letters
or a magazine, and with one family
he took all their forks and buried them in the backyard
and subsequently that family got mad at the dog…
and it was a whole ordeal,
its sufficient to say he made the Egyptians have a rough time
he just made a huge mess of the whole situation
and then he had Moses again speak with Pharaoh
and Pharaoh again was intransigent
and then God said “OK, now I’m going to kill
the first born sons of all the Egyptians”
and Moses said to God
“God, are you kidding me?
I mean, what the hell?
Isn’t that a bit insane? I understand you’re punishing them
but the first-born sons, first of all, isn’t that a bit arbitrary?
Why first born? Why not the second born?
What’s the difference?
and really, aren’t we better than that?
Do we need to kill these people?
Shouldn’t we turn the other cheek?”
and God said to Moses:
“Turn the other cheek? What are you crazy?
This isn’t the New Testament, this is the Torah
that’s how we do it, old-school baby.”
“Alright, alright, listen, I was just making a suggestion.”
“Yea, well, your suggestion has been noted
but I really do insist, don’t worry I have a vision.”
“OK, I’m sorry Hashem, I didn’t mean to encroach
on your Creative Process. I understand, it’s just a bit dramatic
that’s all I’m saying, but OK OK i’ll be quiet.”
“Sigh, OK. Thank you. Can I go on?”
“Yes, of course.”
Ch. 7 – The Matzah
So Moses tells the Jewish people
he sends a mass text message
and an alert on his facebook page
that they’re all going to leave Egypt that night
Unfortunately, the Jews were baking bread
so they didn’t want to leave before the bread
but Moses said to them, “Don’t worry about your bread.
OK, so what it won’t rise. It will be flat.
We will call it Matzah. We will make a holiday
where we pretend to like eating it,
we’ll put apples and cinnamon on it
or bitter herbs which we can symbolically understand
to represent our suffering, ya-de-ya-de-ya-da… let’s go.”
And so the Jews left in the night
and they came to an unpassable Sea
and the people said to Moses:
“I hope you had a plan for this uncrossable Sea”
and Moses looked at them and said:
“Of course, I do.”
uhhh but he didn’t, however, he spoke to God
and God said
“here’s what I’ll do, I’ll separate the waters
like an innocent girl’s legs on prom night
and you will be able to move through
with ease, and then the Egyptians will be chasing
and so I’ll have the waters
close on them drowning them
killing them, I know you don’t like when I do that,
but what can I say, it works…
and you guys will be safely on the other side.”
“I guess this will have to be the way we do it.
I’m telling you God, you really use the whole
killing thing way too often, I mean, if you’re so wise
and omniscient, shouldn’t you be able to find better
solutions to these scenarios?
I mean your implicating me in a murder conspiracy,
I’m a peaceful man!
But, OK, OK beggars can’t be choosers right?
We’ll do this thing.”
Ch. 8 – The Crossing of the River
and so God parted the waters
and Moses lead the Jewish people across
the dry river-bed
and the Egyptians chased after them
with horses and chariots and they all died
because God drowned them in the Sea
and Moses and the Jews made it to the other side
safe, not even wet,
and Moses said to God
“Y’know, it was a bit messy, but you did it.
You, you’re good you.
You are good. You know what you’re doing.
I uhhh I was a little concerned there, with them chasing me
and all that, but you you know what you’re doing
I must say I’m glad you’re on our side.
Really, with the water parting and us crossing
and them dying, it was a beautiful thing.
A masterpiece, I mean well it was no Sodom and Gomorrah
I mean that was totally un-believable
with the hail-stones and the lightning
and then you turned that woman into salt, I mean,
that was really un-believable
- my all time favorite,
but this was good.
I just wanted to tell you that.”
“Well thank you Moses”
“I will now leave you in the wilderness,
to doubt me and to build a golden calf
to worship other deities and to require me
to have to do more work i.e. the 10 commandments,
there will actually be 613 but whose counting…
but anyways don’t worry about that,
that’s my problem, not yours,
you’ll eventually get to the holy land,
there may be millenia of wars
and persecutions and temple destructions
and getting kicked out of various countries
and genocide and so on and so forth
but again, you’ll be dead by that point
and I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it
you just go and eat like random-food
in the desert
which we’ll call Mana and pretend tastes
good like some crazy Willy-Wonka
the fairy-tales they end with the happy
the uhh the happily ever after
so let’s pretend that uhh
I don’t know
y’know what whatever
You’re probably tired.
Let’s just go to bed
and we can figure out post-fact
rationalisms and mythology re-counts
in the morning.
I mean Laila Tov, we speak Hebrew
we should use it more, at least around
“OK, OK, goodnight! Laila Tov Hashem
geez for someone whose supposedly
not an anthropomorphic representation
of the human mind you really go on and on and…
well, OK Laila Tov.”