Dating Edgar Allan Poe

“Hey Tina!”

“Oh, hey Marmalade”

“So… how’s it going?”

“Oh, you know, the usual…”

say aren’t you dating that boy
umm… you know the goth kid?”

“Who you mean Edgar?”

“Yea, that’s it.

“Yea, what’s it to you?”

“Me? Nothing. Nothing.
I was just wondering…
y’know, is he as romantic
as everyone says he is?”

“Well, I mean…
he likes to write and stuff.
Umm… he does poetry.”

“Ooohh… that is sexy.”

“Yea, I mean some of his
stuff is a little goolish…
a bit death-oriented,
but he’s really sweet.”

“Mmm… I like dark men.”

“O well he’s definitely dark.”

“And handsome too!”

“OK, Marmalade settle down…”

“What I’m just saying, I’d like
him to show me his Conquering Worm
that’s all…”

“OK, OK Marmalade.
Take it easy alright.”

“Tina, don’t get me wrong.
I know he’s your man,
I’m just saying I wouldn’t
mind ringing his bells y’know.”

“OK, Marmalade. Take it easy, alright.
First of all, I don’t think you’re his type.
Y’know, he’s mostly into dead chicks
to tell you the truth. Annabel Lee, Lenore…
OK, and second, no-one is going
to get a “Bells” reference
I mean we’d have to have a really
literate audience
and this is pure Schtick so come-on now,
let’s keep it simple OK?
Some tell-tale heart references,
the Raven, y’know the classics.”

“OK, you’re right Tina. My bad.
Well, anyway, all I’m saying is that
if he was the Raven I wouldn’t
say “Nevermore” while he was…
doing me.”

“There you go!
Now that’s a reference
people can relate to…”

“Yea! I mean, I’d sleep with him
even if there was a dismembered
body under the floor-boards.”

“That’s it, keep it coming.”

“Umm… yea, I’d invite him
to see my Cask of Amontillado.”

“Upp, now you’ve done it.
Too obscure.”


“Yea. Yea, afraid so.
O, you see that I said “afraid,”
unintentional pun
y’know relating to the whole
gothic theme.”

“Tina, I’m giving you gold
and you’re pointing
out some pun?”

“Now Marmalade,
don’t get hissy with me, OK?
Why don’t you find your
own tortured artist anyway?”

“OK, Tina. Well, if you’re
going to give me that attitude
I think we can end this Schtick
right now!”

“Fine by me!”

“Hey Tina, whose name
does he yell out when
you’re having sex?
Yours or Annabel Lee!”

“Oh, you bitch!”

“Yea, that’s right.
I said it.
Good luck dating a guy
who spends all day
coming up with stories
about cats getting their
eyes poked out.
Don’t tell me that
doesn’t have some
Freudian symbolic
misogynistic meaning!”

“Y’know what Marmalade,
don’t get pissy with me
just because you were
named after a fruit preservative

“I’d rather be a fruit preservative
than anachronistic!”

“Anachronistic, what do you mean?”

“Oh, Tina. Come on,
you really think people were named
Tina in the 19th century?”

“Umm… weren’t you the one
using a Freud reference?”

“Yea… so?”

“OK, y’know what?
I don’t have time for this.
Edgar’s taking me canoeing
in a half-hour.”

“Oh, that sounds nice.”

“Doesn’t it?”

“Yea, it really does.
Boy, I haven’t been canoe-ing
in like… forever…”

“I know right!
Me neither!”

“Alright, well… on that note
I guess I will see you… later.”

“Umm… yea,
I guess so.”

“OK then.”

So… goodbye…”

“Yes, umm… not really much
left to say is there?”

“No… I don’t think so.
Pretty casual farewell.”

“Yea, seems to be.”


“Alright then.”