Buddha and the Buick

“Hello, sir, how may I help you?”

“Yes, hello. My name is the Buddha,
and I am interested in this car.
What is this car?”

“This car? O, this car is the best!
The best! I tell you, this car, it is no joke.
This is a buick, and with this buick
you will have no suffering my friend.
None at all.”

“Ahh, I see you are familiar with my
noble teachings?”

“Buddha, of course I am!
I know all about how you sat under the tree,
gaining enlightenment, achieving nirvana,
ending your suffering, no more attachments,
over-coming religious dogma,
seeing the changing of the material world
around you, around me, around all of us.
Yes of course I know your teachings.
They are very good.
You are a smart guy!”

“O, well thank you very much.”

“Yes, of course. You are very wise,
why do you think you are here
looking at this beautiful buick
car if you weren’t wise?
Why are you talking to me?
Clearly, you have the mind of a saint
a genius. A regular Albert Einstein you are.”

“OK, well thank you very much.
But could you tell me more about the car
some of the specs?”

“Of course, of course Buddha. Anything for you.
Listen this car, this car will take you where you
need to go, anywhere. 8-fold path, 4-fold path
middle path, whatever path, mud, rocks,
sand, it doesn’t matter.

This is the car for you. This is what you want.”

“Right, well, umm… that sounds good
but could you tell me about the engine?”

“The engine! The engine you wouldn’t believe
o how this car has an engine, it purrs like a cat
I tell you, you will think you are in heaven,
I mean Nirvana, you will be on Cloud 9,
or whatever cloud you want, you will feel so good,
I assure you this car will make you so happy
you will not desire to meditate on the body
as a rotting corpse again, the wind will be blowing
in your hair, the rain will be falling on the ground,
the seasons changing, the world turning,
it’s a beautiful thing.”

“Yes, well, could you tell me a bit about the handling?”

“Handling, what’s to handle?
You have a handle on the mysteries of the world!
No one handles like you?
Handle, Candle, listen I tell you this car
is the best. There is no need to spin your wheels
on this one, I assure you
this car will cross many rivers for you
much better than your Buddha raft.
This I know.”

“Yes, well could you describe some of the features
of the car?”

“Buddha, I’m telling you. This car is for you!
It has your name on it, look, this is a special car
the Buick it has the ehh… lowest karma-emissions
of any car, you have to like that, ehh?

You use this car to climb many Himalayan
mountains you Tibetan son of a bitch.”

“Actually, I’m Indian.”

“Indian, yes of course. I love your food.”

“Well, what price are we talking here?”

“Price? What is price to a holy man like you?
What do you care about money?
Besides, you must have all sorts of coin
in your saffron robe from selling your
teachings and mantras, don’t worry about
the price, you give me the money,
I put in my pocket, we all go home happy.”

“Yes, well, of course I need to know the price.”

“OK, OK, the price its $2 million rupee
that is all.”

“What, $2 million rupee,
get the fuck out of here.
I’m not paying $2 million rupee.”

“Buddha, what do you mean,
that is a good price!”

“Listen, buddy, I didn’t sit under the bodhi tree
and attain enlightenment
to see the wisdom of the Universe
in order to be ripped off by you, OK?

I mean, I wasn’t born yesterday
OK, I know some things.”

“Buddha, who says this.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no…
you got it all wrong.

Listen, this is a good price a fair price.
We help each other!
OK, OK beggars can’t be choosers
you’re right, we bring it down
to $1.5 million rupee. OK?
You go home happy,
I go home happy,
you meditate on the meaning
of existence,
I schtup my wife, all is beseder.”

“$1.5 million? Listen, you got to meet
me at least half-way, come on now,
the middle path, that is where I am,
come join me on the middle path.”

“OK, OK, Buddha geez for someone
supposedly non-attached
you are a pushy bastard,
fine, fine, $1 million rupee
you go home happy
you chant mantras all day
you let false desires go by the wayside
you channel your light energies
you cross-the-legs
and sit doing nothing for hours on end
I go home I watch television
I eat the frito-lay
I drink the coca-cola
participating in the Western World’s
destruction of the various
global economic and environmental
none of us are happy
but the life it goes on.”

“OK, you’ve got a deal.”

“Beautiful, Buddha! Let me tell you
you are going to love this car
this Buick I see wrapped around
you like a nice virgin girl’s legs
you can put many miles
on this thing and it will take it
believe me.”

“OK, thank you.
I will pray to the non-existent God
that you have a good impermanent
existence, I have to go.”

“Buddha, OK man, you are the best!
Enjoy your Buick!
I go home now to ehh
commit acts of injustice
on my own body with harmful
food and chemicals
you let the wind run through
your existent or non-existent
hair depending on the
popular imagery of you
you sometimes skinny
other times very fat
fat man, you.”

“Uhh, thank you. Goodbye.”

“Bye bye, Buddha.
Come again!
In this life or the next!”