Adam and the Snake


“Hey, ehh, what can I do for you?”

“You uhh… got the stuff?”

“What kind of stuff you want, my friend?”

“You uhh… got any fruit?”

“Fruit? Yes, of course I have fruit
I’ve got red fruit, green fruit,
forbidden fruit,
fruit from the tree of wisdom,
the tree of life, what do you want?”

“Do you have apple?”

“Yes! Look, I got red apple, green apple…”

“You got green apple?”

“Yes! I got green apple.
It’s good stuff.
It’s sticky. The juice.”

“It’s not brown?”

“No! Of course it’s not brown.
it’s not over-ripe or mushy, it’s perfect.”

“Do you… have purple?”

“Purple? No, my ehh… supplier
he screwed up the order.”

“OK, OK. The green is good.
But uhh… is it kosher?
I mean will Hashem find out?”

“Who? God? No, of course not.
He knows nothing.”

“But uhh… isn’t he omniscient?”

“No… Listen, God, ehh… he’s not omniscient, OK?
That term gets thrown around a lot,
but ehh… its an exaggeration.
He’s an old man.
Believe me, there’s a lot that goes on
in this garden that he knows nothing about, OK?”

“But uhh… I’ve heard there are cameras
installed in the trees, and uhh… undercover monkeys?”

“What? No, there are no cameras here.
And monkeys? No! There is no monkeys where I do business, OK?

Listen, OK. Here’s what we do.
We eat ehh… the fruit together, and ehh… we go to the disco
We get the girls, we bring them back to the Garden…
We eat the apple with them…

Hey! How about Eve ehh?
I know you have your eye on her, ehh?

You give her a taste of your apple,
the juice it drips, the nipple it slips
you see her… melons ehh?
Her… honey-do? ehh?
You ehh… open her fruit basket ehh?
The banana is peeled ehh?

You slide it in ehh?
Listen, give her the serpent now,
repent later, OK?”

“OK, OK… How do we do this?
Do I give you the money now?”

“Just put it on the scale.

OK… great…

Wait a minute… I hear something.
Holy shit! It’s God! It’s God!
Adam, Run! Run!

No, no you go this way I go that way!

Throw the fucking fruit!
Hop the Fence!

Go! Go!”